BREAKING NEWS: Obama Actually Muslim, Osama Actually Jew

In our top story today, CIA officials earlier revealed that an extensive, top-secret investigation has concluded that Barack Hussein Obama, the 44th president of the United States of America, not only was not born in the U.S., but is in fact a Muslim extremist who hates America and everything it stands for.

“This was shocking for all of us,” says Zeke Retagent, the CIA operative in charge of the investigation. “But the deeper we dug, the harder it was to deny. There’s no doubt about it–Barack Obama is a terrorist bent on destroying everything this nation holds dear.”

In what some may consider even more shocking news, investigation into what is now being called the “Obama Conspiracy” revealed that Osama bin Laden, long reviled as the founder of al-Qaeda and the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, is in fact a devout orthodox Jew who had nothing to do with the attacks.

“He was really just a scapegoat,” says Retagent, whose investigation uncovered irrefutable evidence that Osama was forced at gunpoint to take responsibility for the attacks. “Obama was the real mastermind, he orchestrated the whole thing. 9/11, the recession, school shootings, the budget crisis, YouTube comments–all Obama’s ideas, brought to fruition through careful planning and a diabolical, systematic undermining of the U.S. government from the inside out.”

When faced with these charges, Obama gave an inspirational and eloquent public denial that was nevertheless soon drowned out by the hisses and boos of the furious crowd. His call for an “appeal to reason, prudence, and common Human sense and decency” came shortly before the crowd broke through the protective police barrier and secret service agents, trampling the man to death. Reports from the scene indicate that in his last moments Obama showed his true colors, shouting “La ilaha illAllah!” (“there is no God but Allah”) and “Damn you infidels to Hell!” When asked why he had ignored Obama’s moving denial and attacked, one man on the scene replied, “Yeah, Obama was pretty good at giving speeches. So was Hitler. You think that’s just a coincidence?”

Soon after Obama’s address it was revealed that Osama bin Laden, long believed to have been killed in a covert U.S. operation (one that dramatically boosted the president’s approval rating), was actually being held in a secret detention facility as leverage to ensure the continued cooperation of al-Qaeda. Osama delivered an official address apologizing for falsely taking responsibility for the attacks on the World Trade Center, claiming a “shameful weakness in the face of death”. He also indicated he harbored no ill will towards the American government, and advocated for a peaceful reconciliation. The alleged terrorist organization al-Qaeda, which was non-violent until Obama militarized it, will return to its former operations of charity work, education advocacy, and weekly Torah readings at their local community center.

The charges against Obama have naturally engendered suspicion against his staff, particularly the now-acting president Joe Biden, who was sworn in soon after Obama’s disastrous statement. According to Mr. Retagent, however, “none of the evidence so far points to Biden. As far as we can tell, Obama was acting alone.” Retagent stressed that the investigation was ongoing, although he went on to say “We don’t really expect to find anything. I mean, come on–his name is ‘Joe Biden.’ That’s about as un-Muslim as it gets.”

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