In Search of Secrets

It’s hard to say what the most difficult part of parenting is overall; there are so many challenges to choose from. I don’t think I’d trade anything I’m dealing with now for having to change diapers again, but with my oldest not too far from entering her tweens, I’m not sure how long that sentiment will last.

However, I think I’ve been a parent long enough to know what the most intellectually difficult part of parenting is–by which I mean, the part where the difficulty lies in making the right choices, as opposed to having the patience or energy or foresight or experience to do things the right way.

Based on what I’ve heard from other parents–as well as what I’ve seen from my own!–I’m also pretty confident this is one challenge I’ll be wrestling with for the rest of my life.

Here’s the dilemma: your child needs something and is refusing it, or they’re about to do something they’ll regret, or they’re not doing something they’ll wish they had, etc. What should you do? Well, that depends on the answer to this question: Do you and your child disagree because you’re more experienced and know better? Or do you disagree because they’re a different person with needs and priorities so alien to you you can barely imagine relating to them?

You would think this question would get easier to answer as your children grow and you get a better understanding of who they are. You would be dead wrong! For every genuine difference in personality you manage to internalize, a totally new one will get a chance to make itself known. For every genuine mistake they regret making, there’ll be another “mistake” that they only feel bad about because it bothers you. Oh, and by the way: your kids can’t always tell the difference between those last two. Good luck trying to figure it out yourself!

And yes, this really is a life-long challenge. Your kids, like all other humans ever, will keep making mistakes their whole lives, and it will continue to be difficult to impossible to guess the difference between stuff that just seems harebrained because your children have different priorities or context you’re missing, versus stuff that seems harebrained because it actually is and your children are the ones lacking experience or perspective.

I’m not sure how to end this essay; it ended up being a bit of a mess. I guess I’ll just say…parenting is really difficult, and I think my own mom and dad tried their best? I think they got this problem right most of the time, or at least most of the time when it really mattered. Thanks, Mom and Dad! You’ve been doing a great job. I love you!