Over the holidays, I finally got fully caught up on the dishes for the first time in…um, let’s just say “a while.” This led to a very interesting realization! Seeing the counter finally clean and empty…made me anxious.
Why? Was that?? My reaction???
It definitely wasn’t for any conscious reason. My best guess is, seeing the counter clean suddenly made me feel pressured to keep it that way. Historically, I often respond to high expectations (from myself or others) by unconsciously self-handicapping, which would track with feeling anxious at the prospect of increased expectations.
This time, I’ve so far been able to redirect my anxiety into re-training my emotional response, so that seeing the clean counter feels more like a satisfying reward and less like a failed obligation hovering over my head like the sword of Damocles.
(I have done this, in part, by setting a rule for myself that every time I eat a cookie I also have to do some dishes.)
I’m hopeful that knowing what that feeling is and where it comes from will help me identify it in other contexts so I can re-train myself in those areas, too. I’ll let you know how it goes!
In Search of Secrets 