Attachmentality

When I was little, my best friend was a boy named Jack. We were thick as thieves from 1st grade all the way through 5th, when he transferred to a different school. I haven’t seen or spoken with him since then–almost 30 years–but if I ran into him in the grocery store tomorrow my first impulse would be to give him a big, warm hug.

It recently occured to me that this probably isn’t normal.

I get very attached to the people I like. If I really like someone, I don’t stop feeling close just because we’ve gone a measly little decade or three without speaking–if we get in touch again, I go right back to treating them like a best friend.

Understandably, this can be off-putting to people who no longer feel the same way!

It’s incredible how many background variables our minds take for granted. If it had ever consciously occured to me to question this assumption, I would have discarded it immediately. But because I never noticed the assumption, I continued to take it as given that people I was still attached to would have some attachment to me.

It also helps explain why I struggle with casual relationships with people like coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances: it’s hard for me to remain engaged and friendly without a strong emotional connection, but building that connection takes a lot of work and can only be done with certain people. I used to be better at this–probably because I had more energy to devote to maintaining the appearance of an emotional connection, even when I didn’t really feel one.* Or perhaps I was better at building small, temporary connections that weren’t as big an investment. Or maybe both! After all, when it comes to certain mental traits (like confidence or friendliness), sometimes “fake it till you make it” is really just another way of saying “practice makes perfect” or “exercise makes you stronger.”

I guess one takeaway for me is that I’m out of practice at being friendly. Better start exercising!

*Not that I didn’t care about the people I was talking to! I care a lot about everybody! In a way, that’s kind of the problem!

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Please, Please, PLEASE Don’t Do This

Elon Musk announces Grok AI's new "Companions" feature on Twitter. Threads users davidleavitt and kevin_michael_murphy_jr mock the feature and Elon, calling him "lonely."

Please don’t use “lonely” to mock and insult people. No, not even N*zis. Companionship is a fundamental human need, right along with food, water, shelter, and safety. When people steryotype “loneliness” as a defining feature of disgusting incels, they alienate potential allies and push vulnerable people who are genuinely suffering into the arms of a toxic culture that exploits their suffering to perpetuate misogyny, classism, and white supremacy.

“Lonely” is not a character flaw and shouldn’t be used as an insult. If you wouldn’t use “autistic” or “triggered” or “sexless” or “depressed” as an insult, don’t use “lonely” as one either. None of those things make a person good or bad!

“N*zi,” on the other hand, is a character flaw. That one’s a great insult! “Incel” is pretty good, too! Just stick with those, please!

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Weird Scritches, But Ok

Our pug is not very picky about how he gets attention…

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Should’ve Called It Attention Disobedience Disorder

Me: “Ugh, [trope X] is so [gross/overdone/boring] in [genre Y]. They just fit together so perfectly to make a bad story–like soul mates, but for awfulness instead of love. It’s probably impossible to put them together and have something good come out.”

My hyperfocus: “Hold my beer.”

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Wish I Was Here

Trike gets to sleep in on the weekends and I have to admit, I get pretty jealous.

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Snow Koan

The master spoke: “It is said the sentence ‘snow is white’ is true, if and only if snow is white. This we have already discussed. But it is a separate question whether snow is, in fact, white. So what color is snow?”

The student, having re-learned the child’s art of giving simple answers to simple questions, replied: “White, of course!”

The master smiled. “Oh? And are you certain of that belief?”

As you’ve taught me, I cannot be absolutely certain of anything,” said the student. “But I am humanly certain, yes.”

“And if I say that snow is not white?” inquired the master.

“Holding to true beliefs in the face of authority is an old lesson, master. My answer is unchanged.”

“Well and good,” said the master. “But what if I offered more than mere authority?  What if I showed you that snow is not white?”

This question did not seem simple, so the student paused to think before answering.

“If you could actually do that,” they replied, “I would be very interested. But I do not expect it to happen.”

Wordlessly, the master rose and walked outside, beckoning the student to follow. It was winter, and it just so happened that a fresh layer of snow had covered the ground the night before. The master pointed to a patch of snow down the hill, upon which some animal had recently urinated. “Snow is yellow,” the master said, for the snow there was indeed yellow.

The student began to speak, but the master held up a hand to silence them, then led them to a snow fort some of the younger adepts had built that morning.  The two of them stuck their heads inside, and the master said, “Snow is blue,” for the light shining through the walls was, in fact, a muted blue.

Finally, the master pulled a microscope from their pocket and, using a chilled pair of tweezers, placed a single perfect snowflake under the lens, beckoning the student to look. The student did so and beheld a fantastic crystal, transparent yet scintillating with rainbow. The master said, “Snow is all colors and no color,” and surely that was the only description that properly fit.

“Now you have seen,” said the master, “So I ask you again, what color is snow?”

The student, feeling rather stupid, hesitated. They began: “Well…it depends on how you see it, I suppose…or where you see it…I mean, the context–” but they were interrupted by a big, white, wet, and very cold snowball to the face, which the master had been concealing.

In that moment, the student was enlightened.

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Picturesque

Living in Colorado has its downsides, but I can’t quite recall what they are at the moment…

A picturesque meadow filled with lush grass, with fantastic mountain range as a backdrop.

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Earth Hero

Fighter (my daughter’s imaginary friend that pilots all her favorite toys) is named “Earth Hero” now.

That’s because a little while ago, there was a huge army of bad guys that wanted to “kill the Earth” (!) and all the good guys fought them, but then all the good guys except Fighter died and there was still a bus (?) full of bad guys left, but Fighter was able to kill them all at once with super bombs that were also bullets, and then he brought all the good guys back to life.

(That’s not a Deus Ex Machina, by the way, both of those abilities were already canon. Fighter–sorry, I mean Earth Hero–can do basically anything.)

A small toy fighter jet.
His plane is also indestructible.

Watching your kids learn how to use language and make art is one of the best parts of parenting!

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Married Life

My spouse: “I know we usually do laundry with cold water, but I think the reusable cloth wipes I’ve switched to need to be washed in hot.

Me: “Maybe we could put the stained pillowcases and hand towels in with them, see if we can finally get those all the way clean.

Spouse: “Yeah, sounds like we need to start having designated ‘hot loads.'”

Both of us, turning toward each other in perfect sync:

Sokka from Avatar: The Last Airbender waggling his eyebrows suggestively

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A Needy Geek Seems Troubled

So… Those awful poems I’ve been writing? That I was tempted to actually work on? Well, nobody was able to stop me from working on them–and one of them actually turned out good!

Like, really really good. Probably one of the best poems I’ve ever written. (That’s not a high bar, but I’m still proud of it.)

Aaaand I’m afraid to publish it anywhere, because it’s about the first time my heart got broken and if a certain person from high school ever happened to see it I would literally die of embarrassment.

…which is ironic, because the whole theme of the poem is letting go of fear. So, I guess I should post it anyway?

I’ve also written some emo haikus–maybe I can salvage a few of those instead.*

*emo haikus are never salvegable

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