In Search of Secrets

Well, my buffer is almost completely gone. On the other hand, I’m depressed! Wait, that’s not right. Let me try again:

I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, my buffer’s gone. The good news is, there’s no good news. The–wait, shoot, that doesn’t work either.

How about this: I’m depressed, my buffer’s gone, the world’s ending, and I just made it through a really difficult ordeal. But at least I’m not proud of myself!

Hmm, still not quite right…

Okay, here we go: I’m depressed, falling behind at work, my buffer’s gone, my country is being turned into a dictatorship, my family’s risk of extermination rises with each passing day, AGI could arrive and turn the planet into goo any minute and people are wringing their hands over whether they’ll still have their jobs, and I’ve just made it through a very painful experience that I should feel proud of myself for facing, but I don’t.

HOWEVER.

I know I will be proud of myself someday.

I’m going to keep seeking–and spreading–as much joy as I can, right up until the last minute, whether that’s tomorrow or ten thousand years from now.

I’m going to keep fighting the fire even if it’s the whole world burning.

And although my buffer’s nearly gone, I’m still going to write. Even though it’s hard and everything I write sucks, I’ll still put something up here every day. And you know what? That’s something I do feel proud of.

And you know what else? I’ve realized that sometimes your garbage isn’t the things you create–sometimes it’s the things you do, the choices you make. But the good news (for real this time) is that your practice there will help you improve, too. If you’re feeling down on yourself for making a mistake, or if you took a risk and it backfired, remember this: the opposite of success isn’t failure, it’s giving up. The risks you paid the price for, the mistakes you’re ashamed to remember, the efforts that weren’t enough–you can’t get stronger without them. That doesn’t mean a stronger you will stop making mistakes or being hurt–quite the opposite! But without those failures, you’ll never grow.

Oh, and one more thing: if all that’s not enough to help you feel proud of yourself, I’m proud of you. Even if you don’t think your effort was worth any praise. Even if the results were lackluster. Even if it was a disaster! I’m proud of you for trying, and I know that even if you can’t imagine it now, you’ll choose to try again.

And so will I.