Tag Archives: funny
Scorched
My daughter had a tantrum the other day and called me “the worst piece of cheese ever” and I think I have a new favorite insult.
Filed under Microblogging
Teaching Is Hard
TFW you’re writing a post titled “<popular physics concept> Demystified” and you realize your draft is 1500 words and counting and should probably be broken up into two or three separate posts and if you still want to say “demystified” you’re definitely gonna have to start over from scratch.
Filed under Essays, Microblogging
Horses Held
My 7yo: “Uuuugh, this is taking forever. When am I going to get to go to bed?
Me, brushing her hair: “Hold your horses, sweetheart, I just started.”
Her: *giggles, sticks her hands in the air, as though holding something up*
Me: “…Either you’re very strong or those are some very tiny horses.”
Her: “They’re horses the size of a car.”
Me: “My goodness, you are very strong.”
Her, matter-of-factly: “Uh-huh.”
Later…
Me: “Thank you for being so still and patient. I think you can put your horses down now.”
Her, lowering her hands: “Uuuuugh, I’m so tiiiiired, I just want to go to bed.”
Me: “Hey, why are you whining all of a sudden? You’re about to go to bed right now.”
Her: “I put my horses down, so now I don’t have any patience again.”
Me: “Ah, I see. Well, in that case, maybe you should pick them back up again.”
Her: “Okay.”
Her: *goes to bed with her hands in the air, behaving like an angel*
Filed under Microblogging
These Ten Puns Are Supposed to Make You Laugh
- Where can you go to get a steak and a haircut? The barber-Q.
- How does a bee get to school? She takes the school buzz.
- Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
- A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes here,” and throws him out. The rope thinks for a moment, then ruffles up his hair, twists himself into a pretzel, and goes back in. The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you that rope I just threw out of here?” and the rope says “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an overripe banana.
- What do you call it when someone ogles the man behind the counter at the post office? It’s a “checkin’ the male.”
- Why did the fisherwoman keep going back to the same store to buy worms? They always gave her a great re-bait.
- Why did the mushroom keep getting invited to parties? Because he was such a fungi.
- Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad there’s only one joke left?
- I know not everyone likes puns, but I hope at least a few of these made you laugh. I’m sorry if no pun in ten did.
Filed under Microblogging
Why Am I Like This, pt. IV
Nobody:
Me: *joins casual conversation about shoe preferences on work chat*
Me: *sweats, heart rate increases*
Filed under Microblogging
Funny?
It always feels so weird when I tag my own posts “funny.” I know it helps readers find your stuff and it’s standard practice or whatever, and I try not to let it bother me, but it seems really presumptuous, you know? Like, how do you know this is funny, dude? Did you take a survey??
Really, it should be “I think this is funny” or “attempt at being funny,” but I’m guessing that wouldn’t SEO so good.
Filed under Microblogging
Me, Myself, and Why
It’s so frustrating when another person keeps popping up in your thoughts uninvited, just to upset you. It’s like, you want to be mad at them, but you can’t, because the only person actually inside your head is you??
Leave myself alone, jerk!
Filed under Microblogging
