I know, it’s a tough job sometimes–but if you don’t do it, who will?
Dreams I’ve Improved
I wrote Tuesday’s post in a bit of a rush. Looking over it, I think it suffers from a lack of concrete examples. So, here are a few instances where I’ve “revised” some of my own childhood dreams:
- The first thing I wanted to be when I grew up was an inventor. This lasted until I learned that inventors don’t just come up with ideas, they have to implement them as actual prototypes (or at least know enough engineering to make some diagrams and file a patent). Eventually, I figured out that “just coming up with ideas” is much closer to the definition of an artist, which is currently what I want to be when I grow up.
- A while after giving up (I thought) on being an inventor, I got really excited about marine biology. I’d always loved science and learning about nature, and I became particularly enthralled with cephalopods (cuttlefish are still one of my favorite animals). So I decided I’d become a marine biologist. A bit later I took some actual science classes and learned that the vast majority of doing science (as opposed to learning science, which I love) is essentially paperwork: taking notes, filling out spreadsheets and forms, doing calculations, and so on. All things I not only don’t like doing, but am also bad at. Nowadays I only do original science for fun, when I want to, and I’m content to leave the rest of it to those with the obsession to spare.
- Sometime in high school, I decided I wanted to learn how to play the piano. I really enjoyed it and ended up playing almost every chance I could get. I thought maybe I could turn it into a career, so I did some investigating–including interviewing a couple of actual professional pianists–and eventually came to the conclusion that while I wanted to keep learning and practicing, I didn’t want to devote all my free time to it. It would be a hobby, or a skill I could use in other ways (composing, for example), but not a career.
- Ever since I was a toddler playing with dolls, I’ve wanted to be a father when I grew up. I knew before I started that having a family would be more work than I expected. But even after adjusting for that fact, starting a family was still more work than I expected. It’s extremely difficult to maintain any ambitions of your own when you’re raising kids. (Fortunately, it’s still worth it.)
- I’ve had a lot of ideas for videogames and stories over the years, and I’ve finished almost none of them. Partly, this is because I’ve only begun to address some of the mental health, organizational, and motivational issues that have prevented me from finishing big projects in general (see below). However, another part of it is that many of those ideas…well…sucked. As I’ve said before, making garbage is an essential part of improving–but paradoxically, it only works if you’re trying not to make garbage. Making things you know in advance will suck doesn’t help you improve!
- I’ve previously hinted that I have ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed until just a few years ago, and I didn’t get a therapist until this year, so I’ve only recently begun to seriously address challenges I’ve been stymied by my entire life. Dealing with mental health issues, just like taking care of your physical health, doesn’t sound ambitious or glamorous (probably because it’s something you’re expected to do, and thus considered “normal”). But obviously, not everyone takes good care of their physical health, and due to stigma and lack of support from our healthcare system the situation is even worse for mental health. And as for chronic conditions? You know, health problems that aren’t considered normal? Addressing those is treated like “catch-up”–like doing extra homework because you were sick and missed a week of school. Commendable, perhaps, but in the best case it only puts you “back to normal.” In reality, taking care of your mental and physical health is a serious, ongoing challenge, even when nothing is “wrong” with you, and your mental and physical health have ripple effects across literally everything else in your life. Staying healthy is a worthy ambition!
…I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.
What are some of the childhood dreams you’ve “revised?” Are there any you thought you’d given up on that you’re now seeing in a different light?
Filed under Essays
My Daughter Thinks Jabba the Hutt Would Be Scarier With a Cape and a Lightsaber
Please, nobody tell George.
Filed under Microblogging
Don’t Give Up on Your Dreams (Improve Them)
I often imagine what my younger self would think of me now. There are some things he’d undoubtedly be happy about: I’m a father now, just like I always wanted to be; I married my high school crush; I’m living in a house with wheels; etc.
On the other hand… If he asked, of all the video games and stories he wanted to make, which ones I’ve finished–or the places I’ve traveled and languages I’ve learned–or what my career has been like–well, just imagining his crestfallen face is enough to make me cringe.
I’ve always had big dreams–sometimes too big; the gap between fantasy and reality is often much wider than I expect it to be. So the thought that I’ve failed to live up to my dreams–that my past self would say I’ve given up on them–well, it’s discouraging. Are we all just doomed to lose our childlike ambitions as we age? It can certainly feel that way.
I don’t think that’s quite right, though. When I reflect on it, I haven’t actually given up on many of my most ambitious dreams, I’ve just–put them aside for now. And there are other things I’m working on, or have already accomplished, that don’t sound as impressive as the things I imagined doing as a child, but which are at least as ambitious. Perhaps part of the reason it seems like we become less ambitious as we age, is simply that we get a better idea of the difference between things that sound impressive and difficult, and things that are actually valuable.
It’s important to remember that revising your dreams is not the same as giving up on them. Do you still have dreams? Then you haven’t given up! Sometimes, our priorities change as we get older, or we learn more about the difference between what we think we want and what we truly value. Indeed, it would be strange if our dreams didn’t change as we aged–it would mean we hadn’t learned anything new about ourselves or the world since we were children!
So it’s okay to let go of some of your past ambitions, just as it’s okay to delete an awkward paragraph from an essay. The important thing–in art and in life–is to keep trying.
(P.S. I’ve written a follow-up with some more concrete examples.)
Why Am I Like This, pt. X
Filed under Microblogging
Actually, New Grief Sorta Tempting
I don’t think it will ever be “fully” healed (although it got a lot better once I was able to stop picking at it). That’s okay, though; I have a pretty big heart. There’s room on there for lots of scars.
…and for some reason, saying it like that makes me want to get another? I guess it’s like getting a tattoo: once your first has healed, you immediately start thinking about your next one. Or maybe it’s just another way grief is like exercise: sometimes it’s addictive!
I think that’s okay, too. Remember, grief itself isn’t a bad thing: it’s just your mind’s immune system working to heal the sort of hurt you get when you lose something important. You can’t get that kind of hurt unless you let yourself be vulnerable in the first place; let something outside yourself reach in deep and grab hold. To never grieve would mean you’d never fully loved.
I’m proud of myself for being vulnerable, it felt good to open up, and even though it ended badly this time I still want to do it again.
I’m doing a major rewrite of that poem I mentioned a while back–some of the things I wanted to say then aren’t true anymore, and there are things I want to say now that didn’t need saying then–but once it’s finished, I think I’ll finally be ready to post it.
I suppose I’ve grown.
Office Problems, pt. II
Every office building should have a cozy, dimly-lit room with couches and a couple desks where you (1) aren’t allowed to make noise, and (2) are allowed to take a nap.
You think I’m joking, but no–it would be for accessibility! There are lots of flavors of neurospicy other than mine that need some peace and quiet sometimes, and there are also times when the best thing you can do for your productivity is…take a nap. Rest isn’t a sign of laziness! Also, you don’t keep lazy people from avoiding work just by banning lazy-seeming behavior! Productivity should be measured by (gasp) how much work you actually get done, not how much time you spend looking busy!
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
Filed under Essays, Microblogging
Never Knew Blueberries Had Legs
Filed under Microblogging
Why Am I Like This, pt. IX
*shares a meme on social media*
*scrolls through more memes, shares another*
*scrolls back, sees the meme I shared 15 seconds ago*
*has to check own status because I can’t remember if I actually shared it or just thought about sharing it*
*meme is about ADHD*
Filed under Microblogging
Star Whys
The Star Wars movies were some of my favorites when I was little. I watched them so many times my parents can probably recite Episodes IV, V, and VI by heart. I remember when the Special Editions came out–I was excited to see them because of all the new, fancy tricks. The VHS tapes I owned were all of the old, boring edition.
I still have the tapes, but it’s been a long time since I owned a VHS player, so now that my children are into Star Wars I’ve had to suffer through George’s “improvements” over and over again. There are precisely three changes that actually improve on the originals:
- The CGI critters the stormtroopers are riding when they’re searching the escape pod crash (it’s a small improvement, but a nice world-buildy detail nonetheless).
- The CGI added to the Sarlaac pit–a more active monster in the center of the action really does make that scene more fun to watch.
- The montage at the end showing different planets celebrating the Emperor’s defeat (again, a relatively small change, but it’s a nice bit of world-building and does a good job of communicating the scale of the heroes’ accomplishment).
That’s it. Those are the only things that got better. Every other change was superfluous at best and cringe-inducing at worst–a world-class case study in “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
Which parts of the films suffered? Oh, let us count the ways! Worse pacing? Check. Worse music? Check. Worse characterization? Check. Brand-new, never-before-seen plot holes? Check. Replacing Sebastian Shaw’s sympathetic face with Hayden Christensen’s obnoxious, arrogant smirk? Check, and check.
Thank goodness they managed to keep George away from the keyboard for the sequels.
In Search of Secrets 