Tag Archives: funny

Tinder? I ‘Ardly Know ‘Er!

You Are:

  • Age: 20-50
  • Gender: girl or girl-adjacent
  • Sexuality: optional
  • Appearance: cute
  • Enjoys: cuddles, reading, being picked up, talking about stuff you like while I listen and smile and play with your hair, travel, saying sweet things about me and seeing if I can top them, really good food
  • Values: empathy, joy, Eliezer Yudkowsky’s Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, art, the outdoors
  • Biggest flaw that isn’t really: likes to show off

You Might Like:

  • Age: 37
  • Gender: male
  • Sexuality: polyamorous, straight-ish
  • Appearance: 6’0″ (no, I didn’t just round up), 150 pounds (okay, I might’ve rounded that time), bald, blue eyes, as white as it gets without freckles or albinism
  • My friends describe me as: Great Dane, oaf, “actual dad”
  • Favorite compliment I’ve ever received: “suspiciously good-natured”
  • Biggest pet peeve: my own farts

If that sounds like you (or somebody you know) HMU KK thx luv u ❤

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Filed under Reviews, Selfies

Mal-Come Again?

Over the years, there have been quite a few contenders for “worst misspelling of my name ever,” but this one’s just taken the top spot easily:

A handwritten receipt for a Costco pizza phone-in order, with "Malechon" written at the top
😐

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Filed under Microblogging

Spooky Scary Skeletons

I walked out the front door the morning after Halloween and saw this:

A small rock in a gravel lot, with black marks and a second, smaller rock below it that give it a striking resemblance to a skull.
💀

The black stuff was charred-on ash. Where did it come from? Not a clue.

Should I exorcise it or use it as a decoration?

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My Daughter Thinks Jabba the Hutt Would Be Scarier With a Cape and a Lightsaber

Please, nobody tell George.

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Filed under Microblogging

Why Am I Like This, pt. X

The contents of a fun-size bag of Skittles, arranged in precise rows and sorted by color.
Eating sequence: top to bottom, right to left. One of each color first, then two different colors at a time, etc. Leave one of every color for last and eat them all at once.

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Filed under Microblogging

Why Am I Like This, pt. IX

*shares a meme on social media*

*scrolls through more memes, shares another*

*scrolls back, sees the meme I shared 15 seconds ago*

*has to check own status because I can’t remember if I actually shared it or just thought about sharing it*

*meme is about ADHD*

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Filed under Microblogging

Underheard

Sometimes I worry that I’m losing my hearing from listening to my music too loud. Then I do something like accidentally mute my headphones trying to turn down the volume when they’re already at the lowest possible setting, and I stop worrying.

(For an hour or two.)

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Filed under Microblogging

Why Am I Like This, pt. IIX

Me: Ooh, I just got an idea for another “Why Am I Like This” post!

Me, after writing said post: *wastes at least 5 minutes making ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN the numbering is correct even though it does not matter and literally no one will ever notice if it’s wrong*

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Filed under Microblogging

Brains Are Weird

The other day I had to change my password and I mistyped part of it–then kept mistyping it in exactly the same way. I didn’t even notice until the day after, when I had to use a different keyboard.

Although, the mistype arguably makes it harder to guess, so…I guess I’ll keep it?

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Filed under Microblogging

Man, I Wish My Pets Would Use the Bathroom

A sign that says "Please don't allow your pet to use the bathroom in the elevators or the building and if they happen to do so you are responsible for cleaning up after them."
This is posted at my therapist’s office.

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Filed under Microblogging